He was a simple man. Never gone to college and has no motivation to get ahead in life. He was content of what he had. For him, it doesn't matter if he had an affluent life before. It doesn't matter if there wasn't enough food at the table. It doesn't matter if we were not going to college. To his economy, what good it would do us? and then would go on saying that "he was just high school level and yet he was able to build a family"..."But what kind?" We would always protest. For that and many more reasons I hated this man I called Father.
Ours have been a love-hate relationship. I loved him in many days he was good to us but i hated him a lot of times I thought he wasn't the father we wanted. I wanted him to be more loving, comforting, friendly, I want him to be there, to have a real relationship with us kids but he wasn't. We wanted a father whose very perfect but he keeps falling short.
I remembered a conversation he had with our oldest brother. My brother wanted to go to college to realize his dreams. My father would not consent. He said we don't have the money. Not yet. Maybe someday. My brother pleaded with tears. But my father wouldn't give in. His decisions were final and we can't do anything about it. As a result, my brother started drinking and do drugs and messed up his life badly. I hated my father more. For that.
There was also a time my younger brother and i were playing. On a slope portion of our grandparents farm. We were sliding down the slope using a coconut husk without realizing the danger we were in. for my brother and I, it was enjoyable. Until my brother toppled and nearly went over the cliff!! My father was furious! He beat the hell out of us. Why would we be beaten for such a small pleasure? I really can't understand his economy. for us, he never made the effort to understand us...
When it was time for me to go to college, it was a very hard decision on his part. But not for me, with or without his consent, I want to have a college education. And because I am a scholar, I had my ticket then. He consented but with a warning that I can't demand support from him financially coz he doesn't have. Why can't he possibly work hard and finance our education? Just like other dads? I vowed i would never be like him when I'll have kids someday...
But as I grow older i realized I was being unfair to the man. for one, he was also a victim of his own circumstances in life. Second, he might be blinded by the fact that he was, in his own mind, doing well when it comes to fathering. How can i blame him for that?
With that realization comes healing. I had resolved then to love the man more no matter what. I resolved to forgive him and myself for not loving him. I resolved not to irk him anymore. I resolved to respect him even if I thought he was not worthy of it.
More healing came when one night he knocked into our room and ask if our older brother was already in. Our brother was out with some of his friends-drinking. Our father kept checking until the wee hours of the morning. until finally at 4 am he decided to go look for my brother. you must understand that during those times, there were no tricycles yet during those hours. So he must have walked to the poblacion to find my brother. I don't have to tell you how far that was but I see there the sacrifice of a father. He wanted to make sure my brother is safe and sound. He wanted to brought him to the confines of our home where safety was...
I can't help but cry that time. i was so touched by his gesture. It dawned on me that he loved us after all. It wasn't quiet what I expected about loving but it was his way of showing his. Since then i never again doubted the man-about his love and concern for us. It was his way and i let him be. I had the most peaceful sleep in all my life that time...
Complete healing came when i become born-again. Then i understood that without God our family is doom to fail. without His Lordship in our lives, everything will be a mess. A family outside the bounds of the love of the Father simply cannot make it in this life. on the contrary, i became aware that a family whose serving God is blessed in every way, and in all their ways. Goodness and mercy follows such kind of a family when Jesus is their shepherd.
There were still a lot of times i protested to his decisions after that. But they weren't out of rebellion anymore. But more of a son who wanted the best for his father, for his entire family.
The more i experienced healing, our relationship improved also. He too as a man improved. He began consulting us regarding family decisions. There was even a time he asked me to be home because we had a problem with our youngest. I felt his trust. that's all i need and have craved for all my life. and he gave it to me. its more than what i could asked for. He died five years ago. but I think we had made our peace. and I thanked God for a well spent years we had. Despite and inspite of what we went through as father and son.
As i stared on his lifeless body during his wake, I found out that hurts and bitterness, failures and successes, love and hate, they are all part of this thing we call life. They are all part of being a family. They are all experiences common to all-all family for that matter. Its how you will make use of them that spells the difference...I thanked my father for showing me the difference that night.
